“I’m totally fine and feel great!” Said no one ever after separating from a narcissist.

Why is it that some couples can break up and still be friends? Why is it that some couples who get divorced can do so amicably? Why is it that some couples can continue to co-parent with their children’s best interests at heart even after separating?

And why is it that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, after “consciously uncoupling”, now are taking vacations together with their new partners and kids like they’re one big happy family?

Not a narcissist in the bunch, that’s why.

I’m so jealous.

I could’ve totally pulled a Gwyneth had I been with a man who didn’t have a personality disorder that I found out about wayyyy too late. I have no doubt I would have moved on much faster after our breakup if I hadn’t loved someone who was intent on hurting me.

I could’ve handled having my heart broken.

But narcissists don’t just break your heart, they shatter it.

They rip it out and, ala Hannibal-style, eat it in front of you.

And because they’re empathy-void, self-centered, soul-sucking vampires (too nice?), they’ll enjoy every minute of it.

This is why it’s so hard to recover afterward. It’s the way they break your heart.

And make no mistake, they will always break your heart.

Here’s how:

They trick you into sharing your deepest, darkest secrets

Right from the beginning, a narcissist wants to get to know every single thing about you. Not out of love, but out of planning. And they get this information as quickly as possible which is why they love-bomb the hell out of you to gain your trust. Because when you share things about yourself that no one else knows, you’re bonding to them in an illusion of safety.

You think, “I’ve finally found someone who knows the real me!” But with a narcissist, this isn’t a good thing because all you’re doing is giving them ammunition to use against you later.

Heartbreak #1: You shared your most vulnerable parts about yourself, your stories, your insecurities, your dreams and fears, only to realize the one you gave this precious information to had no intention of keeping it safe.

They stab you in the back

Nobody does a smear campaign better than a narcissist. Sometimes from the very beginning of a relationship, they will create a narrative about you that paints a picture the narcissist wants others to see.

This way, if and when you eventually speak up or share your story about what happened, the narcissist has already convinced a good portion of your audience to not believe you.

Heartbreak #2: While you were in the front of your canoe rowing your little heart out with eyes on the future, a narcissist was secretly drilling holes in the bottom. So when you could no longer stay afloat, everyone believed you were the one to blame for sinking.

They build you up so they can tear you down

In the beginning of the relationship, a narcissist will put you on a pedestal so high you’ll have to look down to see the clouds. They’ll tell you how amazing you are. How smart, beautiful, strong, creative, dependable…the list goes on and on.

Then as the years pass, they begin to say just the opposite. Everything they praised you for they now insult you about. The reason is that they want to keep you under control and to keep taking their abuse. The best way to do that is to make you feel like shit about yourself and make you doubt everything you previously knew to be true.

Heartbreak #3: The one you love more than anyone in the world and to whom you are now trauma-bonded is the very one picking you apart piece by piece and telling you how lucky you are to have anyone considering all of your faults. It’s like a puppy waiting for its owner all day long only to be kicked across the room when they finally arrive.

They get pleasure from your pain

Maybe you’ve seen the smirk? The black eyes? Maybe you’ve experienced that moment when a narcissist seems to shut off any feelings for you like a switch? It’s as if they’re happy to see you suffer.

Especially if they think you’ve wronged them in some way, such as if you confront or leave them, then it’s even easier for them to stand back and watch you hurt without offering any help since they lack empathy and remorse.

Heartbreak #4: This isn’t a stranger we’re talking about. This is someone you loved and devoted yourself to and who you believed would be there for you in your time of need. Instead, while you’re on fire and begging to be put out, a narcissist is there holding the lit match behind their back.

If you’re recovering after a relationship with a narcissist, I know the heartbreak seems endless and overwhelming, which is why I want to end by pointing out some important truths for you to recognize that will help you move forward on your journey of healing.

Yes, a narcissist hurt you. But always remember:

They don’t choose losers. They choose people who have all the qualities they lack such as strength, compassion, kindness, and overall awesomeness.

Narcissists know how amazing you are, which is why they spend so much time trying to convince you otherwise.

Most importantly, this is who they are, so it’s not even personal.

It’s not something you did or said or lacked that made them treat you the way they did. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

Because you can heal.

The beauty in you can and will survive.

While they’ll still be a narcissist.

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